14 Employees We Are Going to Execute if We Don’t Get More Readers

We're losing readers fast and we're running out of things to sell so either you start reading or we start going around the office with a fire axe.

115 shares, 115 points

With such a bad economy, we’ve been having to make cutbacks around BeezFud HQ and it’s starting to get uncomfortable. For one, we sold all the bathroom stalls and now our restrooms look like the drunk tank at a jail. Surprisingly our chairs were some of the more expensive assets, so now we sit on the ground. We’ve had to cut our desks heighth-wise and… well, something has to give.

So, we came up with an idea. We’ve decided to cash in on the “you steal, you die” clause we somehow got into the employee contracts everyone signed. 

We’ve set a goal of 1,000 new readers that we will either get in three months or we will lose 31 employees. We’ve selected, at random, all of the non-essential and/or expendable employees based on a list of 32 employees we don’t like. 

So share our articles, encourage your friends to follow us on social media networks and otherwise help us get to 1,000 members. 

If you don’t, at least look at the 31 employees we are going to execute with a fire axe.

  1. 1 Anne

    Business Development Associate

    This was a hard decision. Anne has always been pretty nice but she has submitted the most reports to human resources. With less employees to report, that puts us at risk to being #MeToo'd by Anne so I guess it wasn't too hard of a decision.

  2. 2 Bailey

    Account Executive

    Beverely has had a boyfriend since she started working here. It's been two years. I've literally told her almost every day how much I hate the patriarchy and white people yet she hasn't replied to a single after-work Facebook message. If she wants to have a boyfriend, that's fine, whatever, but I'm lonely and I hate her.

  3. 3 Bobby

    IT Technician Apprentice

    I'm like 85% sure that Bobby and Beverely have been 'together' which is bullshit since Bobby hasn't renounced his whiteness so??? I've been to SO many BLM rallies and Beverely won't even give me the time of day yet Bobby wears the dumbest hats and still gets with her.

  4. 4 Brad

    Asst. Web Developer

    I don't even really know what Brad does every day but anytime I go to the break room he is in there and just loves making conversation. It's gotten to the point where I lugged a mini fridge up to my office after work one day. At one point going up the stairs I lost my grip and the fridge fell to the bottom floor and crushed a rat.

  5. 5 Cecilia

    Executive Assistant
    Cecilia has been my assistant for over five years and she's a wonderful person so this is going to be very hard. But, she is accepting another job offer at Vogue so I guess loyalty means nothing to her. We wish her the best in her future endeavors unless we don't get the 1,000 readers because then we are coming for her.

  6. 6 Accounting Department

    Accounting Department

    We don't want to point any fingers but... isn't it their job to make sure we don't go broke? I guess we don't really know what they do but it seems like they're probably at fault here in some way and, well, it rounds out the list so... yeah, we'll kill all of them.

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115 shares, 115 points

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BeezFud Crew

This account is shared by BeezFud staffers who aren't important enough to have their own profiles so the content is lackluster. They're probably saving their best ideas for when they have their own brand, the fuckers.
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